The day I was shoved into a promisekeepers meeting

I was just married and we were going to this Evangelical megachurch that traveled from a u-haul to a Holiday Inn weekly. They had a great big screen projectors and a praise team that sang bad jingles. They were affiliated with the Southern Baptists but were ashamed of the name so they dropped it. The CEO Pastor gave a lot of How to sermons and made us all feel so special. There was no cross just a big stage that looked like it could be used for a big production or something.

The Pastor saw that I was newly married and invited me back to his office.

Hey Do you like sports? he said as he got in a huddle-like pose

uh-no I like to read

Well that’s fine and dandy but what do you do to get that testosterone going? he looked at me with a weird grin.

I thought is this guy a pervert or what. No I like to read, listen to music, watch movies with my wife

any kind of sports, hunting or physical aggression? He said puzzled.

Well I kind of like bowling, playing pool maybe learn some golf.

That’s better. I’m worried about your marriage son he said

Why? I was shocked

It looks like your wife is wearing the pants in the family he said.

whaaaat???

We don’t preach that meek and mild effeminite Jesus. No Turn the other cheek or peacemaker Jesus here! We preach The Man’s man Jesus!

The man-whaat?

We preach the Jesus that wants to break bricks with his fists and hands.

I don’t think that’s in the Bible.

Son, you have been esmasculated. You need to go to a promisekeepers meeting. I believe you have lost your masculinity. You need to restore order in your home and let her know who’s boss.

I later went to a promisekeepers meeting and that was the crying bunch of sissy men that I’ve ever been with. I’m going home to have a nice date with my wife thank you.

The Day “Daddy”Copeland went bezerk

They called him Daddy Copeland. He had many followers that hanged on his every word. Well, I’ve seen many of his conferences by videotape where he claims that we are little gods and name it claim it rebuke it confess it and vomit verbatum. I don’t know why I brought that psycho looking weasel of a charlatan up except that I used to work for a Christian TV Station that aired that crap.

This TV station had a morning talk show patterned after PTL and TBN shows. They had local preacher guests and there was one time while I was operating a camera that the Pastor host and his wife broke out in holy laughter.

I could not keep the camera still because under orders I had to follow the crazy pastor and his wife rolling on the floors of the studio. The other camera operator was laughing hysterically and I was told by the pastor pointing to the operator to follow him. All I can say is that this place was nuts!

The next day or so I had an offer at a radio station out of state so I ran like hell.

How a mediocre Christian comic became a hip pastor of a fundamentalist emergent church

Ken was a very loud guy and very sarcastic. He worked at the local Christian bookstore with me where we sold Jesus junk to devotees of Benny Hinn, Kenneth Copeland and mega-church celebrities.

Ken was a big fan of Mike Warnke . Ken told the dumbest jokes and had an opinion about everybody. Ken eventually got married then divorced. He ended up becoming a Baptist church planter inspired by the new hip mega-church pastors. The new church plant dropped the word Baptist and called itself Crown Heights or some generic name. Now Ken is using his bad comedy in his preaching.

Jesus is coming back on this day

The Rapture! When I was a kid in the fundamentalist Baptist church that is all I heard about. No gospel just get saved and be rapture ready because Jesus is coming back in 1975 or 1980 or 1988 or 2000. No 2001 oh just screw it!

I remember one preacher that was a wanna-be Hal Lindsey. He came every year for a week of Prophecy revival where he would bring his maps and over-head projectors and videos of the latest archaeological evidence that Jesus was coming back soon. The good news is that we would be raptured while the rest of the world of unbelieving nominal Christians and non-Christians would burn with the world that is going to hell in a hand basket. This kind of backwards thinking comes from the 19th century nut Darby.

The preacher after many failed prophecies disappeared at least from my home church. I have to do a word search and see if he is still predicting the date that Jesus will return. Oh no he’s into the Bible Code now.

Here’s his book:

http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=742238X&p=1010575

Carrying the cross on my Monte Carlo sports car

Larry was a special case. He thought he was God’s chosen to carry the cross around the world. I guess he got that from Arthur Blessitt but he claimed it was the voice of god that told him to go. Larry had a lot of mental problems. He did drugs when he was younger but the First Assembly of God took him in and told him that he needed to be baptized in the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues. Larry had an experience much better than acid could ever give him. He found Jesus and he believed Jesus has sent him to be a modern day John the Baptist telling sinners to repent and be like him.

Larry built a 7 foot cross on wheels and carried it all over spreading the good news. The Church helped Larry at first but when Larry lost his job and had a fight with one of the many pastors on the Church team(they even had a pastor of grounds keeping). Larry was kicked out of the church in Christian love and was told to fend for himself. Larry was homeless with his 7 foot cross. Larry was in and out of many mental institutions and he thought he was Jesus one minute and Satan the next. We always would get into religious arguments. He thought everybody in those mainline churches were playing church and sending people to hell. I tried to help Larry and I even picked him up when it was raining and I ended up putting his cross on the top of my Monte Carlo sports car. My Car was no longer my cool car that I got before College but a Caricature of shame of all that is wrong with contemporary evangelicalism and Charismania. I don’t think Jesus meant that when he said take up your cross and follow me.

Jesus turned water into unfermented wine-grape juice

The fundamentalists and the pentecostals have a new version of the Bible or they just don’t take the part that says Jesus turned water into wine at the wedding at Cana(John 2) literally as the rest of the Bible.

I remember one night at choir practice where Sister Maybelle quoted her favorite biblical verse against sin.

God says Wine is a mocker she said with her finger pointing up in the air

What about Jesus turning the water into wine?

It was unfermented! she shot back.

I don’t see that in the Bible? Are you telling me that Jesus turned water into Welsh’s grapejuice?

No it was Jesus’ grapejuice no wine she said.

Well what about the Apostle Paul telling Timothy to take a little wine for your stomach sake?

Well I rub it on my belly then she laughed.

Read about Frank Schaeffer

http://frombelow.wordpress.com/2007/10/18/frank-schaeffer-crazy-for-god-memoir/

Hell is for the others

 

Who’s going to hell? John Hag-gee knows for sure.

http://heraldargus.com/archives/ha/display.php?id=365444

A point of view about fundavangelical abuse-Evangelical Misery

http://ethicalmono.blogspot.com/2007/09/evangelical-misery.html

Where Fundamentalist or rather Conservative values were good

This site’s purpose was to show the looney side of fundamentalist but there is a good side. I can’t speak for all families that were raised in a fundamentalist or conservative Baptist home but my parents did not force me to go to their church during my high school years. They had no problem with me visiting other churches with my friends and did not tell me to not hang out with that kid because their parents were atheist or Buddhist,etc.

I went Charismatic to their disappointment but they did not forbid me to go to another church. I now understand their concern after being in some crazy churches but they allowed me to make my own mistakes.

What was amazing was my Dad’s support on my wanting to be in radio. He told me to never go into anything that I don’t like because I will be miserable in it.  I was allowed to be myself which is unusual in fundamentalist or liberal homes.